He would have been 78 years old.
I haven't been able to think very clearly today, so I had to do the math with a pen and paper.
He would have said, 'It's just another day.'
That's what he always used to say. But once someone is gone from your life...it seems like their Birthday means a bit more. It is not a day of cakes and candles, singing and laughing. It seems more of a day for reflection. The what if's and not said's.
As of late, I have been sleeping unsettled. Last night I dreamt I was in my Grandparents' house in Bloomfield Ridge. It was one of those dreams that make you think you've had it before, or this is something I remember. There were two spirits in the house. A small boy and a small girl.
The little girl crawled into a lady's lap and was being cuddled and told how cute she was. I contemplated telling the lady the little girl was a spirit. I remember feeling confused as to how she was actually touching and feeling her, when she wasn't really there.
My Grandmother lost a baby. Her first baby. It was a girl.
She also lost a brother in France during a World War.
Were these the children in my dream? Was it a dream? And why are they coming to me?
Well, amusingly enough...no sooner had I typed the above words when I heard in my head a voice saying, 'why not?'
Indeed. Why not?
For years I have searched for answers, for signs...anything that would allow me even a tiny glimpse into the other side. Where I believe we all came from and will return. Sometimes I forget even the smallest of signs are just as valid as a slap in the face. I just need to be open to them. And also to receive.
I heard my Dad's voice the other night in an old voicemail message.
I heard my Mom's voice in conversations with her sisters.
A patient will laugh and I will hear my Grandmother's spark.
A faint tingle will pass over my scalp and I wonder, 'Which one of them was that?'
There really are definite and constant signs slipping through the veil. Many times I will ask a question, out loud or in my head. I used to think the answers were my imagination. Now I believe they are clearly coming from another being, another plain. I simply needed to pay attention.
Are you paying attention?
My life is not overly stressful.
I don't live in a big city. I don't have pending cases with drastic deadlines at work. I don't have a long grueling commute.
So what is it that keeps me from sleeping soundly?
Why can't I completely relax the muscles in my shoulders even while curled up with a blanket on the couch watching a movie?
What keeps me from just letting go?
I practice yoga each night...then I read in a nice hot bath...then I go to bed and read again.
I have an app on my smart phone that helps me to meditate.
I can read for hours. I can write for hours. I love to garden. There are many ways I 'escape' from myself...even for a short time.
Today I had another NET session. Neuro Emotional Technique for anyone that doesn't already know. It is an amazing technique, which I refer to as therapy, that my Doctor, my employer practices on me regularly.
Through a series of questions from her and physical responses from my body, we pinpoint issues that I am dealing with, their origin and how long I have been carrying them with me. On top of that, we are also able to 'clear' these issues so that my body no longer carries it within.
Today I found out that the reason I have not been able to fully calm my mind or relax my body for so long is due to things that were said by those around me before my first Birthday. I was not even one year old and I already 'stressed out' and learning to 'escape reality' by putting my mind somewhere else.
Can you imagine that?
As an infant.
Having to create and escape to...your 'happy space'.
I know that life is not perfect. And I know that truthfully, everything that happens to us here in this life, really won't matter one hundred years from now. I am only here to learn lessons. A lesson plan that I chose before I came here.
And I will not experience anything here that I cannot handle. The reason I know this, is because...if I remember to stand back and look at situations objectively, I can keep my head clear and move through it. Learn from it and move forward.
This is the whole reason for being here, after all.
I do wish it wasn't so difficult to remember. But if it was easy, we really wouldn't learn anything would we?
‘You can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you.’
- Mary Tyler Moore
Tonight Goose joined me in my yoga routine. He could do positions that I could not. There were positions that I could do that he could not. I looked over at him frequently, smiling through the gas & giggles that yoga often produces.
I thought about how funny life is. How strangely things turn out sometimes when you think you have a plan for another direction.
I found myself wondering what my Dad would think of me flying to Georgia on Friday for business. Then I realized...my Mother.
She never got to know this mature, confident Mother of three. She never got to see me in action juggling paperwork and patients. She didn't experience my divorce or heartbreak, my struggle back up and owning my own home as a single Mom.
She doesn't know Melinda the Photographer, Melinda the Reflexologist, Melinda the Mother of three grown children. Melinda the Happy wife of Goose. Or Melinda the grown Daughter that misses her every day.
I will continue to read, write, blog, do yoga, garden and meditate...while silently listening for the voices from beyond. That will tell me they see, they hear, they feel...and they are still with me.
Happy Birthday Dad